Tread Lightly, Sir: My Boundaries Have Nothing To Do With My Ex
Ladies, let’s talk. Because I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this.
You meet a guy. Y’all start talking, texting, maybe even go on a couple of dates. You’re feeling him, but you’re also taking your time. You’re moving at your pace. You’re watching for consistency. You’re seeing if he’s someone who makes you feel safe enough to let your guard down.
And then, here it comes—the lazy, dismissive, and completely unearned assumption:
"Oh, I know why you’re like this—it’s because of your ex."
"You need to heal, that’s why you’re so guarded."
"You’re making me pay for what your ex-husband did."
Pause. Excuse me?!
No, sir. Let’s be clear—I don’t tell men about my business upfront for this exact reason. Not because I’m ashamed. Not because I’m hiding. But because too many men take what I share, twist it, and weaponize it against me the moment I set a boundary.
Boundaries ≠ Baggage
See, I know who I am. I’ve done the work. In fact, I created Life After Infidelity to help other women heal so they don’t bring old wounds into new relationships. So the last thing I’m going to do is let a man tell me that I’m not healed simply because I have standards for how I want to be treated.
I am naturally guarded in the beginning. That’s not trauma, that’s wisdom. It’s called self-respect.
And let’s really talk about it—if a man is quick to say, “Oh, this must be because of your ex,” what he’s actually saying is,
"I don’t want to do the work to understand why you don’t feel safe with me personally, so I’m going to blame your past instead of looking at my present behavior.”
Whew. Let that marinate.
Safety Leads to Vulnerability, Not the Other Way Around
Here’s what I know about myself: Quality time is my love language. Consistent texts, phone calls, spending time together—that’s what makes me feel safe enough to let my walls down.
I don’t just jump into deep emotional or physical intimacy because a man wants me to. But when I have felt safe and connected? It showed. I naturally reciprocated.
And this is where I need y’all to hear me:
You are not obligated to speed up your process to accommodate someone else’s impatience.
Vulnerability Is a Two-Way Street
Now, let’s be real—vulnerability is not a one-sided game. If I want a man to open up to me, I have to be willing to take some risks too. I can’t sit behind a fortress of walls and expect someone else to do all the emotional heavy lifting.
Being vulnerable doesn’t mean spilling your entire life story on date #2, but it does mean allowing space for connection to happen. It’s about letting someone see you—not a perfectly curated version, but the real, unfiltered version.
Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability is not about winning or losing; it’s about having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” That means sometimes, yes, you might open up and it won’t be met with the response you hoped for. But that’s not failure—that’s clarity. That’s finding out sooner rather than later who is worthy of your openness.
If I feel safe? If I feel seen? If I see you making the effort too? Then, yes, I’ll meet you there. But if you expect me to lay myself bare while you remain closed off, dismissive, or inconsistent? Nah. That’s not how this works.
You Set the Pace, Sis
If a man is serious about you, he will take the time to learn you—not just assume he knows who you are based on your past. He will recognize that your pace is yours to set. And if he can’t do that? If he’s not willing to move with patience, consistency, and emotional intelligence?
He’s simply not your person.
Final Word (And a Warning for the Men)
Moving forward, I’m saving myself the breath. Any man who wants to come at me with this lazy rhetoric will be directed right here, to this blog. So if you’re reading this and considering saying, “Oh, this is about your ex,” just know: Tread lightly.
Ladies, you do not have to explain your healing process to someone who refuses to do their own work. Your boundaries exist for you—not for them. Keep them strong, stay true to yourself, and never let anyone tell you that protecting your peace is a sign of unhealed wounds.
Tuh!
